


Synesthesia

by throughtheparadox



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, King & Prince, Kinpuri
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/M, King & Prince - Freeform, Kinpuri - Freeform, Original Character - Freeform, Slow burn fic, hirano sho x original character, realism meets fiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:00:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26441599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/throughtheparadox/pseuds/throughtheparadox
Summary: Murasaki Ai was good with the life she's currently leading. She was happy, content, satisfied. But it wasn't until she cross paths again with her first love, the now renowned idol Hirano Sho, that she suddenly realises what her life was missing since they parted ways.
Relationships: Hirano Sho/Jinguji Yuta, Hirano Sho/Kishi Yuta, Hirano Sho/Nagase Ren, Hirano Sho/Nagase Ren/Takahashi Kaito, Hirano Sho/Takahashi Kaito
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	1. And Here We Are

Hi. I think you clicked this story thinking that it's all rainbows and butterflies. Well, let me tell you, it's not. 

To answer your question, yes, this is a love story, sort of, which makes it weird why I'm sharing this to you in the first place. After all, it is a private matter (well, more my perspective than his but more on this later). But you see, I have to write about it to assure myself that it is real. That it did happen. And that what I'm about to do is the stupidest decision of my life. 

So will you keep my secret? Of course, you have to. This is my journal after all. And you are nothing but ink on paper -- or more like text on screen. I don't even know why I'm writing as if I have an audience on board. Easy distraction from the point, I guess?

Anyway, before I get all existential, here it is. In five minutes, I’ll find out if I’m truly unlucky to actually get to see him again. After all these years of silence. Of avoidance. Of telling myself that I’m happy with where I am in my life. Yep, you read that right. Unlucky. 

Why, you ask? Because I’m kinda scared to see him again. Did I mention who? Just Hirano Sho -- King & Prince's center and one of Japan's current rising stars. Oh, I forgot to mention that he’s actually my ex-boyfriend. Shocker, I know. Me. Weird ol’ Ai. Formerly dating a shining idol. Hilarious. 

My cousin, Mika, has no clue, by the way. She only knows me as a fellow Tiara (a.k.a. what King & Prince calls their fanbase). And I don’t think anyone else knew about us besides Sho's brother, and his childhood friend, Matsu. Unless he told his idol friends, of course. Which I doubt. 

The thing is, I've stayed away from Sho for a good while. We've never seen each other since we broke up back when we were sixteen and I turn deaf every time someone mentions him in our hometown. I only heard about him -- at least in a way that I deliberately tried to -- when he finally debuted. He was the talk of the town -- heck, the country -- so it was impossible to escape him. Surprisingly, I felt happy seeing where he is now. I didn’t feel anything anymore whenever I saw him on TV -- at least that’s what I told myself -- so it was like I was testing fate when I decided… well, more on this in a bit. 

Anyway, it's a good thing people know little about us before he got scouted. I wasn't a popular kid after all unlike he was. When we hung out, it was mostly in secret because I can’t handle attention as much as he did. He attracted people. That’s just how he is. So I can’t really see why he ended up with me. 

Maybe it was because he was never the sharpest tool in the shed? But hey, he was the kindest. Still, between dance classes and his eventual active life as a junior-slash-idol-in-training, things just sort of fell apart. 

We were thirteen when we met, both sidelining at the local market for some allowance. He never wanted to burden either his mum or his grandmother to send him to dance school so he worked for it. He's always smiling, friendly, but somehow distant, as if he always has a lot more going on under the surface. No one noticed, of course. He was a good actor. Maybe that's why he's so good at his current job. 

Back then, during our breaks, I usually see him either eating alone or practising dance steps in one of the market's lesser busy side streets. This is after he’s greeted everyone in the entire vicinity, had small talks with the obasans and ojisans in the market who’s ever so fond of him. Call me weird but because I can't do something like that myself, I felt like a voyeur living vicariously through him. But because I was observing too much, I ended up discovering a side of him that seemed so foreign to others. 

In the very small but quiet moments in his otherwise colour-filled life, I usually saw him with his earphones on, his movements smooth as silk. His usual cheeky smiling face is replaced with that of seriousness that was almost delicate and captivating and -- okay, I'll admit it -- beautiful. At first I never really cared, or maybe I already did but hated to admit that I was already drawn to him the first time I saw him, but slowly I found myself wondering what he keeps doing in his stolen moments of isolation. 

And as fate would have it, one day he noticed me watching when I unconsciously stopped to get a glimpse of him in the middle of an errand for work, and with that cheeky smile of his and his endearing husky voice, he said, "Hello."

I'm never really good with friends so I took the chance I had. I grabbed his hand, said "hello" back and we started hanging out since. It was hard to shake him once you get to know him. Or more like once he decides he wants to get to know you. 

We ended up talking about things we claim to never have told anyone. At least that’s what I like to believe. That everything he told me was ours and ours alone. I was young. What would you expect? 

He liked teasing me about my name, too -- Murasaki Ai. He said that it was like we were meant to be friends because he also has Murasaki in his first name and that he liked my name’s kanji for some reason. It was easy to talk to him. Just like how easy it is to fall in love with him. But beyond his bright personality, lay something that I wish he’s shaken off by now. 

I remember asking him one time, "Why do you dance so much?"

To which he replied, "My mom told me to always be happy. To always be kind. No matter what. So whenever I find myself sad or with unkind thoughts, I drown myself in music."

Now, whenever I see his performances, I wonder if he was still drowning in any unhappiness. 

I snapped out of my reverie as I heard my phone ringing. Matsu. 

“Hey,” I answered, and for some reason, I was grateful my voice didn’t reflect my inner turmoil. 

“Where are you? Everyone’s here,” Matsu replied. 

I wanted to ask if ‘everyone’ included Sho. But I doubt it. He’s probably busy doing who knows what right now given his busy schedule. He’s always on TV nowadays. Crazy. 

“I’m right around the corner,” I replied flatly. “Order my usual. I’m starving.”

I heard Matsu snicker from the other line. “Someone already did.”

That put me to a halt. Now’s probably the right time to tell you what’s happening. Since it’s the countryside, most people our age know everyone. Either we went to the same school, same part-time job, same something. And one day, Matsu just went ahead and invited people for a get-together. I should have suspected something's up by then. If this was young me, I’d probably decline, too. But I told myself that I’m a capable adult now. I’ve seen most of these people around and have shared drinks with them once or twice after work. I’m still a bit unsociable but hey, I’ve grown. So I agreed. And never have a thought the impossible would happen.

But that reply of Matsu suddenly sent a chill down my spine. What did he mean? Did he mean what I actually think he meant?

Now that I think of it, it’s foolish of me to discount even the slightest chance that he won't come. It’s Matsu who organised the entire thing after all. That guy’s as much as an adopted son-slash-grandson to the Hiranos. Jeez. 

I could feel myself trembling now, my fingers gripping the handle of my bag to the point that my knuckles are turning white. I can feel heat rising to my neck, my throat suddenly constricted. I was fine, wasn't I? After all these years, I was able to tolerate seeing him like a stranger I simply admired. I was able to forget what it felt to just be around him. I forgot. I forgot. I forgot. 

But as I approached the corner leading up to our supposed meeting place, I knew that I never really forgot. It was more like I found it easier to pretend to forget. 

I felt my feet feel heavy as I saw someone emerge from the doorpanes of the restaurant I was headed. My eyes can't help but fall on him, his stance, his movements, the way he pushes his sunglasses up the bridge of his nose all but familiar. He was looking for something, someone. 

And then, as if he felt my presence despite the distance, he turned to where I was standing. His entire body shifted as our eyes met and I can’t even tell if time stood still or if I’ve just grown numb. He removed his sunglasses and his brown hair fell over his eyes and there I was again, feeling like I was sixteen having my heart broken by this boy I fell in love with sometime ago. 

There he was, Hirano Sho, making me realize how badly I wanted to see him after all these years just as he slowly approached to greet me again with his soft hello.


	2. I Just Wanted To See You

He said my name. But it sounded so muffled and distant that I failed to respond.

"Ai," Sho said again, those expressive eyes boring deep into me. 

His face definitely looked more defined than when I last properly saw him, and I'm sure I changed a lot in his eyes, too. His aura feels both different and the same altogether, like he was still reachable but only through thick glass.

I forced a smile, but still can't get myself to look at him properly, "Hey, Hi... Hirano-san. It's been a while."

He laughed at that, sending a pang to my chest. 

"Hirano-san?" he repeated, amused. "Just call me 'Sho' like you used to." 

'Like you used to.' I don't know why but I felt my own knees weaken at that. 

"I'm just... It's been a while," was all I managed to say again. 

"Hiroyuki didn't tell you I was coming, did he?" he said, laughing nervously as he did. 

"I just assumed you wouldn't be able to come... considering," I replied, looking way past him. I could barely recognise my own voice. "So technically, it's my fault, not Matsu's."

I didn't know why I ended it like that. I wanted to bite my tongue as soon as I did. 

"So you wouldn't have come if you knew I was here," Sho replied, the rare edginess in his voice suddenly evident.

I gathered every courage I have to look up at his expression and was surprised at the hardness in his eyes when I did. This was different from his looks whenever he acted in emotional scenes in a drama. This was a look that I've seen before -- a look that was once caused by my very own words. I wonder if he still remembers.

In my attempt to get through this at least civilly, I hit his arm playfully and let out a small laugh. 

"Okay, fine, I expected a bit since it's been a while since Matsu's been this excited," I said, obviously lying. "I was kidding, Sho. It's nice to see you again."

Again, another lie... or so I keep telling myself. 

At that, his expression softened and he dramatically let out a sigh of relief and a smile. 

"I thought you didn't want to see me," he quipped. 

I tried to keep my composure at bay. "It's impossible not to. You're famous now."

I glared at him when he seemed like he was about to protest. "Don't even deny it."

He shrugged at that. "That's why I like going back here from time to time. I miss just being 'Sho'." 

I didn't know what to say to that either. Thankfully... 

"Oy!" Matsu called from a distance. He ran nonchalantly towards us, a playful look in his eyes. The devil. 

"So... catching up?" he said, eyes more on me than his friend. I rolled my eyes at him. 

Sho simply gave a small laugh, his fingers running over his hair -- a habit he has whenever he's feeling uneasy. I figured I shouldn't make it difficult for him considering he might be taking some much-needed break from his otherwise busy schedule. 

I beamed my brightest smile, my voice holding a warning. "You said you already ordered my food for me."

Matsu's eyes narrowed. "I didn't say I did. Shocchi did."

Sho coughed at that. "Ah, katsukarē with extra apples. Satsuma-san said you still order it...after all this time."

His voice noticeably trailed at that last bit. I pretended not to notice. 

"Good call! I'm starving..." I mused, already starting to walk towards the restaurant, leaving them at my heels. "Who else came?"

No one replied. I also noticed I was already way ahead of them. I turned, and it seemed like Matsu was gesturing something to Sho. The bastard. 

Sho had this soft, apologetic look on his face, brows furrowing sincerely as he looked at me. 

"I told Hiroyuki to keep the crowd small," he said, walking over to meet where I was standing. 

"And out of all the people, you chose to invite me?" I replied a little too sharply, words spilling even before I can control myself. 

To my surprise, Sho said, "Well, why not?"

Before I could even reply, Matsu jumped me and Sho, his arms wrapping over our necks loosely. 

"I'm hungry," he quipped a little too happily. "Are you hungry? Let's eat."

I could tell he was starting to think this was a bad idea, but given the current inevitability of the situation, we just have to go through with it. Get it over with, at least. 

He steered us inside, the familiar atmosphere of the place sending chills down my spine. It's been years since I've been here with the two of them. Most of my memories were replaced with those of my own isolation, choosing a booth that's far off from anyone else. 

To my surprise, however, the usually busy place is empty. Only Satsuma-san, the restaurant owner, added to the scenario in the room. As soon as Satsuma-san saw the three of us, a smile stretched across his face. 

“Ah, Murasaki-san is here,” he greeted, eyes shining at the sight of me. I bowed, smiling awkwardly. I sincerely hope…

“She usually eats here alone at that booth right there,” he said, pointing at the shadowed booth at the farthest part of the restaurant. Just when I was wishing he wouldn’t say it but he did. 

I looked over at Sho and he seemed to have smiled at that. Why, I couldn’t tell. But I was too embarrassed to even reply for some reason. Funny, because on a typical day I wouldn’t care. Was I afraid to let him know that after all this time, I still remained as it is while he was already miles and levels away from me? 

To my surprise, I felt his hand reach for the small of my back, leading me to our seats. Matsu’s expression was trying so hard to be neutral, but the way his eyes kept on darting between me and Sho meant he was feeling the vibe of the situation. After all, he was the only one who knew in detail how it started and… well… ended. 

Matsu and I never had a proper talk about it. I don’t know about the two of them since I know they remained close even after all these years. But apart from Sho being our mutual… acquaintance… Matsu and I, we’re never really close enough to be called friends. I wondered what’s running in that brain of his right now given the obviously awkward atmosphere. 

After I took my seat, Sho took my bag almost mindlessly and placed it carefully on the chair beside me -- again, something he used to do before. He then took the seat in front of me, which Matsu deliberately left empty as he took his. I wonder if he’s still doing this out of habit, even after all these years, or if he's consciously doing it to… I don’t know. I don’t even want to dwell on his innermost feelings right now. 

Everything feels both sharp and dull at the moment like my vision is blurry but everything else about my senses is heightened. The small of my back that Sho touched earlier still felt ridiculously warmer than the rest of my body. 

Yato, Satsuma-san’s teenage son and the place’s resident busboy, broke the ongoing silence. He placed our food in front of us, the plate unusually clanging a little too loudly when he was attending to Sho’s meal. Of course, Sho didn’t find it peculiar but Matsu was trying so hard not to snicker loudly. I don’t know why but I smiled at that. I can’t tell why Yato was acting weirdly when he’s usually nice around customers -- maybe he just doesn’t like Kinpuri? -- but he looked extra agitated at Sho. 

And then I remembered. 

“Someone has a little crush,” Matsu mused. 

Sho looked absolutely lost. “Eh? Who?”

Matsu jerked his head over the counter’s direction. “Looks like Satsuma-san’s son likes Murasaki. Might be jealous because you’re here.”

I laughed a little too loud at that. “It’s not me he likes.”

Good thing I remember hearing this story from a couple of months back. 

“The girl he likes in school… likes King & Prince a lot,” I shared, amused. “But I see a lot of boys around town who like your group, too. You win some, you lose some, I guess.”

You win some, you lose some. Perfect choice of words, Ai. 

I don’t know why but I ended up shoving three consecutive spoonfuls in my mouth after that. Talking about this to him felt like sandpaper against my tongue. It was hard not to hear about him after all this time, sure, but it’s like every single word makes me confront the fact that I actively sought out any news about him just so I can tell myself that maybe everything that happened between us was just a figment of my imagination. That no way this person talked about by many others became a part of my life. I was trying to fictionalise him, to make him feel foreign enough so it wouldn’t ache as much as it does when I’m alone at night thinking about what could’ve been. 

But the truth is now, in this moment, he’s sitting here right in front of me. And he looks like the boy I fell in love with but now covered in smoked glass. Our knees are slightly brushing against each other under the width of the narrow table and even at the slightest touch, I can feel myself growing weary. 

Before I completely come undone, I stood up and said, “Excuse me… I… I need to get some air.”

I rushed out before I could even hear what both Sho and Matsu had to say. The restaurant had a small alley near it, which has often been a quaint sanctuary for me for years. Whenever I end up feeling lonely or detached or just in need for a good cry, this spot proved to be a worthy momentary escape, rarely getting any disturbance. 

I leaned against the wall, hand to my chest. It shouldn't be this hard. It's been years. He's been gone, long gone from my life. So why? Why now? Why still feel this way? 

"Ai?" 

That familiar voice. Low. Textured. Pained. 

Sho's presence made the narrow alley feel and look even narrower. Of course he would know to follow me here. This used to be our shared space… Until I forced him to leave, that is. 

Seeing him here, blocking the light coming from the main street with his now grown silhouette led to the inevitable. I was crying, years and years of bottled up emotions and suppressing the feeling of losing him, missing him, wondering about his new life crashing down on me in that flicker of a moment. 

And then suddenly, he was in front of me, the constricted walls of the alleyway not giving me enough room to even step away from him. He was all too close now, his chest puffing from heavy breathing, kind eyes looking confused as it peeped through the sweep of his brown hair. 

He raised his hand and I noticed he was trembling. 

"Ai," he said once again, softly. 

I looked away. "Don't."

His hands fell to his sides but he didn't step back. We were mere inches away from each other, to the point that I can feel his body heat reflect on my own skin. 

To my surprise, he mused, "I don't understand. I don't understand this at all."

I can't respond. My emotions were a wreck. 

He continued, "You… you were the one who told me it's okay to go. You said we'll be okay. And then I come back and you tell me you're done."

His voice is cracking now. I can't look at his face but I can see his body shaking as he spoke.

"I don't understand," he repeated. "Shouldn't I be the one who should be angry?"

It took every courage in me to look up at his expression and saw his face distorted, crying eyes mirroring my own. 

"Then go ahead," I told him. "Be angry. You didn't then, so now's your chance. Go on."

He met my eyes, his hands running through his hair desperately. We were both coming undone and we knew it. 

"That's the thing. I can't," he said, voice barely a whisper. "I… After all this time, I just wanted to see you."

There were so many things I wanted to tell him at that moment. So many things that I wanted to shout or to cry about or to explain as to why I did what I did. But before I could, he didn't let me. 

Before I could even think of the next logical thing to do, I was already back in his arms, his lips preventing mine from whatever lie I was about to tell him at the moment.


	3. Push And Pull

My hands were caught in his chest, his every breath in sync with the movement of his lips. He was pressing me firmly against him, feeling as if either of us moved an inch, we would both fall with weakened knees. 

I’d like to lie and say that I made an effort to get away from him, to push him away, to end this moment between us, but I didn’t and I can’t. I missed being this near him, even if this was the first time we’ve done something so intimate. 

Our first kiss was not at all glamorous. In fact, it was barely a kiss at all. We were casually eating our lunches together, both homemade and nothing short of simple. I loved furikake and almost always ate with it at the time to the point that he teased me that maybe I cared for furikake more than him. 

It was an ongoing joke between us and, quite frankly, I never imagined it would become one of my fondest, most romantic, and eventually, most painful memories. 

One day, as if a scene from a silly movie, we were laughing too much while eating that our stomachs were hurting when he suddenly blurted: 

_“I like you.”_

_He was looking away when he said it, eyes twinkling, fresh from our waves of laughter. I was too stunned to say anything, my fingers sticky from the furikake-laced onigiri on my hand, mouth dry from laughing my heart out just seconds before._

_“What did you say?” I asked, dumbfounded._

_That made him turn my way, eyes soft and kind and gentle. I could never forget that moment. In fact, I could never forget it to the point that I never ate anything with furikake again when we parted ways because of how much the memory hurt._

_“I said… I like you,” I remember him saying, his voice pitchier than usual. “I like you so much.”_

_He was biting his lip then, another habit of his whenever he’s uncertain. We were quiet for a while because my brain was taking so long to process his words._

_“Ahhh… mouuuu…” he suddenly said, scratching his head, embarrassed. “I’m sorry…. I shouldn’t have…”_

_“No!” I exclaimed. “I… do, too. You, I mean. I…”_

_“Is it… Is it okay if I kiss you?” he suddenly asked, voice low._

_All I could do is nod. After all, I can’t deny wanting to share a moment like this with him has always crossed my mind ever since the first time I saw him._

_He drew nearer, eyes softly darting between my eyes and my lips. I can still recall the blood rising to my ears as he did. I knew that I had to shut my eyes close just like in the movies, but I just couldn’t take my eyes away from his flustered expression that I was probably cross-eyed while caught in the moment._

_And then it happened. Nothing too special or grand. A soft, inexperienced kiss that ended comically as I dropped my onigiri between our shoes._

_“Whenever I eat furikake, I’ll remember that this is what my first kiss tasted like*,” he bluntly commented, grinning._

This moment between us now is nothing like that at all. This holds a lot more yearning, mixed with sadness and hopefulness and years and years of confusion. I could feel his fingers digging through the back of my shirt as if he was afraid I would run away, and at that moment, I realised the tears I was feeling on my cheeks are not just mine alone. 

As if that snapped me out of my reverie, I took every inch of courage in my body to severe myself from him. 

“Sho, stop,” I said, voice sounding like a desperate plea. 

He dropped his hands to his sides, his sobs a lot more audible now. He wasn’t looking at me, but still remained close, as if we were being held by a thread that was barely visible. 

It’s one of the things that I both love and hate about him. He never insists and have always respected my boundaries and decisions. But it’s also for this very reason that he never fights back most of the time, even if desperation is so evident in every fibre of his being. 

My voice was trembling now, but I felt like it was just right to ask for an explanation.

“Why did you want to see me?”

He raised his head, his pained expression sending pain in my chest that I decided to just look anywhere but his direction. 

To my surprise, he said, “I want you to look at me when you ask that.”

“Just answer the question,” I insisted, resting my back to the wall behind me to make sure I remained propped up. I could feel energy leaving my body at every word that escapes my lips, my body inevitably trembling. 

“I… I’m feeling lost…” he muttered, and at that his put his elbow on the wall behind me, his head propped against his hand. His face was just inches from mine in this position, his body caging me in even without us actually touching. Still, I tried to keep it together. 

“What does that have to do with me?” I asked him, trying to sound sharp but ended up sounding tired and hoarse. 

At that, our tearstained eyes met. “I realised that I kept on telling people to be happy. To live. To smile. To walk this life with me,” he paused and another tear fell. Taking a deep breath, he continued, “But then one day I remembered that I walked out on the first person outside of my family that I promised that to.”

His answer sent a wave of anger within me, but I was unsure whether it was for him or myself. 

“You didn’t walk away,” I spat. “I asked you to.”

“But I did it anyway,” he replied almost too quickly, jamming his fist at the wall as he did, his shoulders almost crashing near my own in support. 

I was so confused now. Every emotion in my mind and body was transforming to rage. 

“Yes, you did,” I said, gritting my teeth, “And I’m glad you did because look at where you are now.”

He gave a dark and sarcastic laugh at that, something he rarely does unless its out of frustration. “But look at where it left us.”

I’m not hearing any of this. I can’t. I won’t. He seemed happy, didn’t he? Even back then. He was so happy that he was doing what he can for his family. He was happy to be doing what he loved and make a living out of it. He was happy and that was all that mattered. That was why I decided it was best for us to end things. Yes, I decided. Me. Alone.

And then I realised, I never gave him a chance to do the same. 

I can’t take this anymore. I need to leave now. I pressed my hands against his chest, trying to push him away from me with the very little strength I have left. 

The old Sho would’ve moved away. One small push from me and he would’ve let go. But to my surprise, he didn’t budge when I shoved him. Instead, he held each of my wrists gently as my palms landed on his chest and he pulled me close to him. 

“Let me go,” I insisted, pretending being this way with him isn’t the exact place in the universe I’d rather be right now. 

“I’ll let go in a bit,” he surprisingly said, his voice barely a whisper. “Then you can walk away.”

This reminded me of the exact same scenario years ago. Almost the same thing happened in the beginning, but it met a completely different end. I also pushed him then, he pulled me close, but when I said to let go, he did almost as quickly. 

Now, in this moment, he was simply standing there, holding me, quiet and warm and resilient. And then, in what seemed like forever, he slowly let go of my wrists, his fingers leaving hot traces over my skin as he did. 

“Go,” he breathed. 

His eyes were blank as I walked past him and he never said anything else nor moved when I left the alley. Forgetting my belongings were still in the restaurant, I just walked away, slowly but surely, making the distance between where Sho and I was earlier grow further and further. 

I have my wallet, phone, and keys in my jacket pocket, thankfully, allowing me to just spend the rest of the day sulking in my apartment without worry (at least on the loosest sense). I sent Matsu a message apologising for how I left and asked if I could drop by his house when Sho’s not around so that I can get my bag. Surely, he was the one who took it, not Sho. After all, it would’ve been awkward if he did it after our conversation earlier. 

Day turned to night but my mind was still wide awake. I couldn’t help it but my mind kept playing our encounter repeatedly, years of no contact blowing over in less than an hour. 

It was about to hit midnight now and I can only wish my mind allow me my much-needed rest. But as fate would have it, I didn’t expect another surprise to happen. 

My doorbell suddenly rang, sending a huge wave of panic inside me. I could only wish it was Matsu dropping my belongings in goodwill, but as I peeked through the peep hole of my door, I was even more shocked to see who my unexpected guest was. 

Opening my door, I was greeted, “Murasaki-san? I hope I didn’t wake you. I came all the way from Tokyo after receiving Sho’s call. I’m Jinguji Yuta and I’m here to drop your bag. Can I talk to you for a minute?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Sho was asked in a mag interview years back what first kiss tastes like (it wasn't clear whether they were asking for his own or just the idea of it in general) and he simply answered furikake. So this prompted this scene.


	4. Selfishness and Truths

My head was spinning. What did Sho do or say that made Jinguji Yuta — or Jin, as their fanbase calls him — knock at my door at almost midnight after coming all the way from Tokyo? 

“Hmmmm…” Jin mused, obviously embarrassed. “I can come back in the morning and…”

I shook my head frantically. “Ah, no. It’s… I….” I took my bag from him and slid it quickly behind the door. I slipped out of my apartment, gesturing we talk downstairs in the swings by the adjacent park. 

“I’m so sorry if I’m being rude. It’s just that my… my apartment’s a mess,” I mumbled. 

He matched my awkward pace and smiled, “Well, you don’t exactly know me to let me in so it’s okay.”

I jerked my head at that. As if on impulse, I replied, “Surely almost everyone knows you by now, in a larger sense, I guess.”

Jin gave a small laugh. “So you do say that… Sho said so.”

I didn’t know how to respond to that so I just proceeded to sit on one of the swings. My fingers inevitably kept wringing over the hem of my shirt, nails digging at the fabric in anxiety. Jin took the other swing seat beside me, his eyes looking far ahead. 

“I’ll cut straight to the point,” he said. “I’ve already heard about you before… Maybe more than the other members.”

So they did talk about me. But to what extent I wonder? It wasn’t a cool night but suddenly I could feel every bit of my skin feeling frozen. When I didn’t reply, Jin continued. 

“The first time Sho talked about you, it was a couple of days after our debut was decided,” he was silent for a while and I could tell from his voice that it wasn’t a pleasant memory. “He said he wanted to quit because he wanted to go back to you. But then he knew you wouldn’t want that and he knew he’s meant to be someone else because you told him to.”

“I’m glad he didn’t quit,” I muttered, though a part of me selfishly thinks otherwise. “The world deserves to know someone like him.”

I saw Jin nod from my periphery. Despite this, however, he let out a heavy sigh. 

“I didn’t press him further since he seemed like he wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. No one in the group knew that he was in love with someone strongly while we were training as juniors. No one knew the exact point when he became heartbroken by it,” he said. “But Kaito did say that in Sho’s earlier days moving from Nagoya to Tokyo, Sho would often have moments when he would zone out even in a room full of people. Kaito thought it was only because he’s tired or adjusting, but looking back, maybe it was because he was thinking of you.”

I shook my head. “I doubt it. He loves what does.”

“But he also loved you,” Jin replied almost too quickly. “He still loves you.”

My chest started stinging again, eyes burning in response to hearing those words. Life was so much better not knowing, I kept convincing myself. And yet, why do I feel a wave of comfort like I’m pleased to get some sort of validation? 

“Why did you come here?” I asked, trying as much as possible to control my trembling voice.

“You may already know this but Sho believes he’s pretty open about who he is. And… he truly is. I admire him for that,” Jin said, a certain fondness evident in his voice. “But in certain moments, when it’s just us talking on some random nights — and I’m not sure if you’re aware but he’s a pretty weak drinker — he… he has a certain darkness in him that’s too much to bear or understand even for me.”

I’d like to say that I didn’t know. But a part of me has already seen that side of him. The one that dances alone in the middle of all the chaos to drown out loneliness. The one who cries about the littlest of things and sees the world in a very hopeful, almost painfully idealistic, manner. The one who knows what it feels like to be at the brink of suffering, of grief, of loss, of… 

…Of choosing between two sides of what his heart yearns for. 

“I’m glad he has you… All of you,” I replied, almost like a whisper. If I spoke any louder, I know tears are never going to stop falling. “I’m glad that out of everyone he could end up being with, you all seem to really love him in the way that I hoped people would love him.”

“He was crying, you know,” Jin said, now looking at me pointedly. “He was crying when he called me. Hiroyuki can’t do anything, his mama can’t do anything. Even Kaito tried his best to make calm him down over the phone.”

Jin ran his hands through his hair and that’s when I noticed he was actually shaking. “That’s why I knew I had to rush over here. Everyone started panicking when they found out because he called everyone without saying anything. He was just crying over the group call, mumbling the most unintelligible things. It was not a first for me but it was for most of them.”

“I just… I didn’t expect I’ll see him today,” I simply said. 

“I’m not blaming you,” Jin replied. “But I want to understand. Because I can’t help him if I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t even know the full extent of what happened before.”

I shook my head, one hand clutching my chest. For anyone who thinks that heartbreak isn’t something tangible and physically painful, this is proof that it is. It hurts so much to the point that every muscle in my body feels fragile. My head is pounding. My eyes are blurry. My ears are ringing. I can only imagine what it’s like for Sho right now.

“Is he with someone?” was all I can manage to say. 

Jin nodded. “We couldn’t leave him alone. Not at this rate. Hiroyuki’s with him. Kaito tagged along when he found out I was coming. He’s staying with him now, too. Kishi-kun and Ren are following tomorrow. Even Genki called when he heard.”

“I see,” he won’t be alone then. He’ll never be alone. That’s what matters. 

I simply assumed that I never became a part of this side of his life. It was easier to believe that way. But knowing this… knowing that even during the times when I thought he was fully satisfied with where he’s at… I don’t know what to do anymore. This… Us… We’re dragging every person in his life after me into the narrative. 

“I told him we’re done,” I said firmly. “We were over years ago. I can’t have him in my life anymore.”

“But why?” Jin asked. I can see he was already getting frustrated. 

“Because I know how much he’s willing to give up everything just to be with me. And that’s idiotic,” I answered. “I can’t let him do it then and I can’t let him do that now. He’s worked so hard to be where he is and we both know he can’t be with someone now especially at this point in your lives.”

For the first time since the conversation started, I saw Jin’s face contort into something in between sadness and anger. 

“I know we just met but don’t you think that’s selfish?” he asked, his voice grim. “Sho loves what he does, sure. He’s one of the most dedicated people I know. But what exactly is he working for when he himself can’t be happy?”

I watched him stand up and walk away from where we sat, his feet dragging the loose soil beneath our feet. “He always carried so many things with him to make other people happy. And I’m sure you know this. But after seeing him today, maybe it was better off if he quit. Heck, I can’t speak for the other members but I’d rather we didn’t debut together if I knew I was going to see him like this.”

He turned to me and even in the darkness of the night, I can see his eyes shining in frustration. “I’m not the type who meddles. But if you think that deciding for him was the right thing to do, then you’re wrong.”

I was about to give in after hearing what he said but then that one fateful night from many years ago started to resurface in my mind. 

_Rain. Coldness. Bleeding. Shouting._

It reminded me why I did what I did on a deeper level. 

“Well, what exactly do you want me to do?” I spat angrily. “You’re right. You don’t know me. You don’t know why I had to do what I had to do. I was ruining his life.”

I knew I had to run away after that. I can’t say anymore. It was too much to bear. Leaving Jin alone where he stood, I ran back to my apartment, closing the door behind me. I collapsed on the floor, my entire body feeling frail. 

It was hard to make him understand. I was at the brink of ending up into nothing back then. I was sullen, always confused, alone, sad. Meanwhile, there he was, shining, happy, getting an opportunity to finally be who he was meant to be. I have no right to stand in the way of that. 

I wrapped my arms around myself as if to prevent myself from falling apart. My fingers brushed over a scar that I have at the blade of my shoulder, reminding me of the real reason why things ended up the way they are. All my excuses, all my lies, roots from one specific moment that I bet Sho wouldn’t even mind or comprehend. It reawakened my resolve. Fate almost had me crumbling but thankfully, I remembered. 

The real reason why he almost had to give up dancing — why he got that surgery — was not just because he was overexerting. It was because he did something to save me back then. Save me from my own stupidity. He has always denied it, dismissed the mere mention of that incident, and blamed his injury on being overly passionate about his craft.

But deep down I know we both know the real reason. And that was the true beginning of the end.


End file.
